internet fame: just go away

i've said it before, and i'll say it again. humanity has jumped the shark. the fact that these people not only exist, but that other people view, highly rate and/or subscribe to their youtube channels shows just how out of whack our collective priorities are and how far we've fallen as a species.

their "fans" would have you believe that someone who shares my opinions is just jealous of their fame. nothing could be farther from the truth. i would sooner take a cheese grater to my knuckles than to be famous without having a worthwhile, legitimate reason.

I'll get the obvious one out of the way first:

chris crocker

i almost didn't even embed a video here because you know who he is and within seconds it becomes obvious why he should be reviled and hated. what you might not know is that since his "leave britney alone" days, he has continued to post video blogs sharing his unneeded "wisdom" with the world. after seeing a few, the first thought that comes to mind is that i feel very sorry for his parents. the second thought is that he needs some professional help. immediately.

real world equivalent: a series of paper cuts all over your body, followed by a bath in lemon pledge and salt water.


heidi montag & spencer pratt


this couple is the embodiment of what is wrong in hollywood. she has no discernible talent or redeeming qualities. the same goes for him, obviously. why are they famous? as far as i can tell it's because she's a rich blond who gets lots of plastic surgery and says moronic things in public, and he's an idiotic d-bag who says d-baggy things to stay in the public eye.

and they keep putting these two on tv.

are you starting to see why i think our priorities are screwed up yet?

real world equivalent: choking on a gallon of vomit from a cat with feline leukemia.


boxxy


i, in no way, endorse hitting a girl. but c'mon. if you watch more than 15 seconds of the above clip, you start thinking of places to bury the body. if anyone in the outside world ever talked to me the way she talks, i'd start looking for an old priest and a young priest. this girl is obviously possessed by something evil and needs to be exorcised.

i like to think boxxy is the inspiration for parry grip's ingenious song:


real world equivalent: holding a nail to my elbow while stevie wonder tries to hammer it in.


fred figglehorn


when i helped my little bro move out to LA last summer, his roommate told us this fred guy was at the mall by their house signing autographs. yes, autographs. a guy with ADHD talks in a funny voice and tells unfunny stories for free in a public forum and somehow he has fans. wow.

from what i understand, he (and the guy below) consider themselves youtube comedians. isn't that like saying if you can play guitar hero on expert you're a master guitarist? i'm dumbfounded at the thought.

to quote the player haters' sketch from the late, great chappelle show, "i hope all the bad things in life happen" to him.

real world equivalent: waking up in a tub full of ice to find several of your organs have been harvested without anesthesia.


brandon hardesty




that's all i could stomach posting. this "thing" is the biggest waste of space on the internet. what i've embedded is only the beginning of his shenanigans, and somehow his internet fame landed him a role in a hollywood movie. does it make me a bad person to hope he dies alone?

real world equivalent: whatever your worst nightmare is multiplied by a thousand. cthulhu is somehow involved.

mike judge's dystopic world of idiocracy is clearly not too far in the future.