all i need to know i learned from television

the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. what might be right for you might not be right for some. and to confirm this, here are the underlying concepts of several past and present television shows and networks.

the A-team: jumping out of an exploding building or vehicle will always prevent injury, all gunmen have terrible aim and the only way to get mr. T on a plane is to feed him quiche.

blossom: hideaous wardrobes and heavy-handed social messages are a great way to hide a lack of personality. also, tony danza does not have dominion over the word "whoa".

brothers (feat. michael strahan): white women are pregnant strippers who only see their athletic children as paychecks. also, women of any color are willing to throw away relationships with significant others to oogle muscular black men.

buffy the vampire slayer: there was a time when vampires were not totally lame, and that time is long gone.

charles in charge: there is nothing creepy about having a virile young man watch your teenage daughters.

cheers: spending the majority of your time in a sports bar equals meaningful friendships and in no way contributes to alcoholism or other health problems.

desperate housewives: being made out of leather in no way hampers your sex appeal.

duck tales: scottish ducks can cause massive amounts of damage to public and private property without reprisal.

espn: nothing of interest exists outside new york or boston unless it involves barry bonds or brett favre.

freaks and geeks: at some point, tv executives weren't complete morons.

friends: there are only like 3 black people living in new york city.

late night talk shows: no matter what you do, jay leno will get anything he wants.

ghost hunters: paranormal activity exists in every building in the world.

golden girls: old women spend their days with the same energy levels as teenagers. also, they are not completely gross.

lifetime movies: all men want to rape all women.

jersey shore: young italians are orange cartoon characters.

miami vice: the salary for a police detective in miami is enough for a boat and a pet alligator named elvis.

roseanne: the white trash lifestyle will result in a lottery win. also, roseanne's children are suprisingly well adjusted, despite being roseanne's children.

saved by the bell: blond teens with enormous mobile phones can do anything up to and including murder, without repercussion.

the simpsons: gross incompetence in a nuclear power plant always ends in hilarity.

the sopranos: violent crimes against innocent people are always justified as long as you're able to buy nice things for your family. also, nose-breathing is sexy.

twin peaks: david lynch is the weirdest person ever.

walker, texas ranger: roundhouse kicks to the face solve all of life's problems.

who's the boss: angela's hairspray is the sole purpose for the hole in the ozone layer. male housekeepers pronounce words humorously. horny old redheads are disgusting. on second thought, i've learned so much from who's the boss, it might actually need its own blog in the future.

well, we've taken the good, we've taken the bad, we've taken them all and there we have the facts of life.