okay, so i was chilling out at home tonight watching a friend's first shot as a network primetime television actor (congrats on a great performance on the mentalist, keenan!), and i got into a discussion with some facebook friends about the following scenario:
who wins a fight between a half-bear, half-werewolf and a shark who's also a vampire? the vamp-shark has he-man's sword of power and the were-bear has the sword of omens from the thundercats. also, they're both robots.
i understand this may be a lot of variables to take in, so i've created a composite of what it might look like.
who wins? the robot were-bear with the sword of omens or the sharkbot vampire with the sword of power? only you can decide.
so this happened at work the other day and i thought i'd share it. you'll have to suspend your disbelief and imagine we're talking on the phone. i'm trying to upload it to my youtube channel, but it doesn't seem to be working.
for more facepalm inducing stories like this one, check out other people's tales on notalwaysright.com.
the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. what might be right for you might not be right for some. and to confirm this, here are the underlying concepts of several past and present television shows and networks.
the A-team: jumping out of an exploding building or vehicle will always prevent injury, all gunmen have terrible aim and the only way to get mr. T on a plane is to feed him quiche.
blossom: hideaous wardrobes and heavy-handed social messages are a great way to hide a lack of personality. also, tony danza does not have dominion over the word "whoa".
brothers (feat. michael strahan): white women are pregnant strippers who only see their athletic children as paychecks. also, women of any color are willing to throw away relationships with significant others to oogle muscular black men.
buffy the vampire slayer: there was a time when vampires were not totally lame, and that time is long gone.
charles in charge: there is nothing creepy about having a virile young man watch your teenage daughters.
cheers: spending the majority of your time in a sports bar equals meaningful friendships and in no way contributes to alcoholism or other health problems.
desperate housewives: being made out of leather in no way hampers your sex appeal.
duck tales: scottish ducks can cause massive amounts of damage to public and private property without reprisal.
espn: nothing of interest exists outside new york or boston unless it involves barry bonds or brett favre.
freaks and geeks: at some point, tv executives weren't complete morons.
friends: there are only like 3 black people living in new york city.
late night talk shows: no matter what you do, jay leno will get anything he wants.
ghost hunters: paranormal activity exists in every building in the world.
golden girls: old women spend their days with the same energy levels as teenagers. also, they are not completely gross.
lifetime movies: all men want to rape all women.
jersey shore: young italians are orange cartoon characters.
miami vice: the salary for a police detective in miami is enough for a boat and a pet alligator named elvis.
roseanne: the white trash lifestyle will result in a lottery win. also, roseanne's children are suprisingly well adjusted, despite being roseanne's children.
saved by the bell: blond teens with enormous mobile phones can do anything up to and including murder, without repercussion.
the simpsons: gross incompetence in a nuclear power plant always ends in hilarity.
the sopranos: violent crimes against innocent people are always justified as long as you're able to buy nice things for your family. also, nose-breathing is sexy.
twin peaks: david lynch is the weirdest person ever.
walker, texas ranger: roundhouse kicks to the face solve all of life's problems.
who's the boss: angela's hairspray is the sole purpose for the hole in the ozone layer. male housekeepers pronounce words humorously. horny old redheads are disgusting. on second thought, i've learned so much from who's the boss, it might actually need its own blog in the future.
well, we've taken the good, we've taken the bad, we've taken them all and there we have the facts of life.
i've said it before, and i'll say it again. humanity has jumped the shark. the fact that these people not only exist, but that other people view, highly rate and/or subscribe to their youtube channels shows just how out of whack our collective priorities are and how far we've fallen as a species.
their "fans" would have you believe that someone who shares my opinions is just jealous of their fame. nothing could be farther from the truth. i would sooner take a cheese grater to my knuckles than to be famous without having a worthwhile, legitimate reason.
I'll get the obvious one out of the way first:
chris crocker
i almost didn't even embed a video here because you know who he is and within seconds it becomes obvious why he should be reviled and hated. what you might not know is that since his "leave britney alone" days, he has continued to post video blogs sharing his unneeded "wisdom" with the world. after seeing a few, the first thought that comes to mind is that i feel very sorry for his parents. the second thought is that he needs some professional help. immediately.
real world equivalent: a series of paper cuts all over your body, followed by a bath in lemon pledge and salt water.
heidi montag & spencer pratt
this couple is the embodiment of what is wrong in hollywood. she has no discernible talent or redeeming qualities. the same goes for him, obviously. why are they famous? as far as i can tell it's because she's a rich blond who gets lots of plastic surgery and says moronic things in public, and he's an idiotic d-bag who says d-baggy things to stay in the public eye.
and they keep putting these two on tv.
are you starting to see why i think our priorities are screwed up yet? real world equivalent: choking on a gallon of vomit from a cat with feline leukemia.
boxxy
i, in no way, endorse hitting a girl. but c'mon. if you watch more than 15 seconds of the above clip, you start thinking of places to bury the body. if anyone in the outside world ever talked to me the way she talks, i'd start looking for an old priest and a young priest. this girl is obviously possessed by something evil and needs to be exorcised.
i like to think boxxy is the inspiration for parry grip's ingenious song:
real world equivalent: holding a nail to my elbow while stevie wonder tries to hammer it in.
fred figglehorn
when i helped my little bro move out to LA last summer, his roommate told us this fred guy was at the mall by their house signing autographs. yes, autographs. a guy with ADHD talks in a funny voice and tells unfunny stories for free in a public forum and somehow he has fans. wow.
from what i understand, he (and the guy below) consider themselves youtube comedians. isn't that like saying if you can play guitar hero on expert you're a master guitarist? i'm dumbfounded at the thought.
to quote the player haters' sketch from the late, great chappelle show, "i hope all the bad things in life happen" to him. real world equivalent: waking up in a tub full of ice to find several of your organs have been harvested without anesthesia.
brandon hardesty
that's all i could stomach posting. this "thing" is the biggest waste of space on the internet. what i've embedded is only the beginning of his shenanigans, and somehow his internet fame landed him a role in a hollywood movie. does it make me a bad person to hope he dies alone? real world equivalent: whatever your worst nightmare is multiplied by a thousand. cthulhu is somehow involved.
mike judge's dystopic world of idiocracy is clearly not too far in the future.
i had the day off today, and while doing some chores around the house, i had the tv on. spike was showing several star wars movies. only paying marginal attention, i noticed something i never had before. the jedi are jerks.
sure, they outwardly appear to be benevolent protectors of the masses, but some of their comments and behaviors seem suspect. in episodes 1, 2 and 3, they work tirelessly to preserve a dying government whose main goal appears to be not asking too many questions when one member planet invades another. so pretty much their overall stance is not to rock the boat.
that general theme has to have some effect on individual jedi, right? to answer that, let's look at pretty much any interaction a jedi has with a non-force sensitive person in the movies. pretty much every instance shows the jedi talking down to "lower" life forms. qui-gon and obi-wan pretty much bought jar-jar binks from the gunguns, claiming he owed them a life-debt. when queen amidala questioned their tactics on tatooine, qui-gon (thinking he was talking to one of the queen's doubles) basically responded by saying he could care less about her reservations and that nobody had to know.
annikan tried to stop mace windu from killing chancellor palpatine, and windu replied with, "nah, he's too dangerous. i'm gonna just go ahead and execute him here without due process of law getting in the way."
the main reason i thought about this, though, was the patronizing way the jedi council reacted to meeting annikan. they kept calling him "young skywalker" and were quick to say he was not worthy to join their little club. i half expected one of tehm to demand that he shine their shoes!
yoda, voice of reason for the republic, is supposed to be able to see the future and thwart evil-doers plans. yet at every opportunity, when asked what the future holds, he always responds with something like, "clouds the future, the dark side does." how convenient, jedi master.
perhaps the most egregious example of their jerkiness is their knack for controlling people's minds. basically, if someone responds to them in a way they don't want to hear, they simply change that person's mind for them.
by now, the rumors have been confirmed. nbc wants conan out of the tonight show driver's seat. since a respectable start, he's been completely dominated by rival/mentor, david letterman.
i had hoped the suits at the peacock would let it ride, but clearly this will not happen. as funny as he is, people just aren't tuning in. regretfully, myself included. i'm not sure i speak for the others in my generation, but i'm just not interested in a talk show at that time slot. (especially when the daily show and the colbert report are monumentally more entertaining.) and just as unfortunate, the repalcement nbc is looking to is not funnyman jerry seinfeld as we were led to believe, but instead, the habitually unfunny jay leno. a giant leap backwards indeed.
jay leno is specifically the reason why my generation tuned out when the tonight show came on. in fact, other than "jaywalking" or the bit with the newspaper clips, i defy anyone to find a single funny thing leno has ever done or said. he gets ratings, though. i guess the old folks want bland cliches rather than biting comedy just before hitting the hay.
conan has been given an ultimatum. take a later time slot or leave the network. a hard decision indeed. instead of dwelling on this depressing news, let's rate the players of the current late night landscape, starting with: 1. conan o'brien conan's offbeat brand of humor was a breath of fresh air when it came on the scene in the 90s. quirky, goofy, and sometimes shocking, conan introduced us to pimpbot 5000, the coked up werewolf, preparation h raymond and a vomiting kermit the frog, pretty much none of which translate to his current time slot. conan has also teamed up with the insanely funny robert smigel, the bark behind triumph the insult comic dog's bite. smigel also voiced many of the celebrities lampooned in mock video interviews conan's show brought to life.
and let's not forget taking his desk for a drive, in the year 2000 and "if they mated". whatever conan decides to do, he's got this fan's support.
a look at some of his finer moments:
2a. george lopez i started watching george after listening to him on the comedy channels of xm radio. i've been aware of his comedy since his early days of stand-up, but his sitcom never piqued my interest. his talk show is a riot! not since arsenio has late night talk enjoyed such an energetic show. one can feel the vibe that his guests are genuinely having a good time being there, too.
the "[my race] does things this way, and white people do it this way" schtick has been done to death at this point, but he actually makes it funny again. also, he allegedly manhandled carlos mencia for stealing his act. kudos on both counts.
i'd love to post some of his stand-up here (it's hilarious), but i'm still at the point where i'd like to keep this blog pg-13. welcome to late night, mr. lopez.
2b. wanda sykes this one floored me. her stand-up has always been kinda hackey in my book. and any movie role i've ever seen her in has been dreadful. so imagine my surprise when i watch a clip of her show and laugh out loud. here's the clip:
i adore her. "okay, here's the real story ..." that bit guarantees i'll be tuning in to this firecracker again. she ties with george for a spot closely behind conan.
3. craig ferguson craig ferguson is underrated. there, i said it. he's legitimately funny, and he actually brings personal, heartfelt moments into late night talk:
not to mention, he shares a lot of my crotchety views on young people and their styles:
4. jimmy fallon jimmy has been hit or miss on occasion, but i think he gets a bad rap on how entertaining he really is. clearly, he's aiming for younger audiences than his rivals as this clip shows. i couldn't find a youtube clip to embed, so for those who just want a recap, it's jimmy showing the audience an upcoming technology xbox 360 fans will soon be seeing.
plus, any show that has the roots as the house band wins in my book.
5. david letterman i was a big fan of dave growing up. he practically invented the top ten list. in recent years his humor seems to have just devolved into being a mean old man, though. sometimes that translates to funny awkward moments with his guests. sometimes it just translates to him coming off as a jerk.
that said, here's one of my favorite letterman clips ever.
thought i'd share some videos i made using xtranormal.com. i've made more, but these are my faves so far. you can check out the others on my youtube channel or just wait for me to post more. also, you can make your own on the xtranormal link above. enjoy.
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